For 2 weeks now I have been meaning to write about everything that has gone on lately. Why I hadn't had much time for blogging. It's always on my mind, but then something else comes up and I tell myself I will get to it later - but later I am consumed with something else.
In the last 2 weeks we had relatives in, my sister got married, I spent some much needed time with my Grama (who was here from Florida for a few days)... there was Thanksgiving, Black Friday shopping tradition and more. I feel like I have so many stories to tell. And this week? Finally went back to the gym to work out on a daily basis again.
I? Am exhausted.
It feels like my husband is always working (because he is) and I'm always with the boys (because I am). And yet I am trying really hard to always make things fun for the kids, to take them places even when all I want to do is sit in my room and watch tv. Being pregnant with twins before the Big Guy was even a year old was full on overwhelming at the time. How was I ever going to take out 3 babies, 3 toddlers... I swore to myself that little by little I would work up the courage to take them out the same was I would if I only had 1 baby or toddler.
And I have really worked on that. From the stroller that carted 3 little boys everywhere, to 2 riding and 1 walking... to all 3 walking. Yes, we are 'a chain of 4' I call it. Easy to spot. I'm the one who's holding the hand of a kid, holding the hand of a kid holding the hand of another kid. This past summer? I really got brave. Took the boys to a movie, parks & even to the beach weekly (my biggest accomplishment by far). Last summer I would not take the boys unless my husband was home. But this summer, the twins turned 3 and the Big Guy was 4 and I told myself it was now or never and we just did it.
Tonight though, I am having a hard time. And questioning so many things. Decided to take the boys out for a local holiday stroll of sorts I had seen advertised. My mom happened to be free so we picked her up and off we went. My dad ended up meeting us after he got out of work. I'd like to say it wasn't nice. Well, it was nice. But I left so... frustrated. It wasn't everything I thought it would be and we were early.
We went to story time about a mouse with free hot chocolate for the kids at Starbucks, and the Big Guy was furious. THIS is our SURPRISE?! I swear he pouted the whole time. The Bunny Bee dropped his hot chocolate all over the floor within seconds of having it handed to him and the Doodle Bop repeatedly complained it was too hot (it so was not). At the end of the story they got their own felt mouse and a candy cane and that perked them up - only to make way for semi tantrums because I asked them to wait till tomorrow to eat the candy canes.
There was a man playing music and luminaries set up. I had to repeatedly yell at the Big Guy to stay away from the candles and stop running in circles. We went to a craft spot that was set up and the boys decorated their own napkins, while covering their jackets and hands with paint (that needs to be washed off in 72 hours or it's permanent). Spoiler alert, seems permanent enough on all of our hands (my acrylic nails included). Jackets are now IN the washer.
I bought the boys some kettle corn (that the Doodle Bop was demanding, had I realized I wouldn't have bought it on principle) and they dove into it as if they had never eaten before. This was after having dinner and hot chocolate. Even my dad couldn't get them to slow down. And then the running in circles again, a defiant Big Guy.
We get to the truck to leave as it was past the boys bedtime and the Big Guy has a royal flip out. Crying, yelling, banging on the windows. I get angry. I even feel sorry for myself. To me, this seems worse than a 4 year old tantrum. Always that thought in the back of my mind. He HAS cerebral palsy, even if it is mild, what are the odds that his temper and anger are all tied into that. More questions for the neurologist. You know it's bad when even your dad questions aloud what you have always wondered. I wish I actually knew parents who have children with cp. I don't. I get the Hemi Kids newsletter and for awhile I was glued to it, e-mailing, trying to talk with other moms... but then I realized it was becoming... a bit much. I spent more time focusing on all the things that could go wrong in the future, and it became more upsetting than it was comforting to me. I still get the e-mails daily, I just file them away - for in case.
He screamed the whole entire ride home, then cried as he got into bed about how sorry he was for acting up. But it's always the same. And I feel like I live each day on repeat. I just want to take these boys out and NOT be frustrated - and know that they are all having fun. Is that too much to ask?