I was going to write about something completely different today, but an e-mail I got from someone who lost a baby prematurely changed my mind. Maybe that post I was going to write today will come tomorrow.
Today I am now thinking about something that is never really off my mind, even if it's not in the forefront it's always there somewhere. In fact I don't think a single day has gone by in the last 10 months where it has not crossed my mind. I still can't fathom the fact that they'd be almost a year old now - my niece & nephew. Today was the first time I'd actually called them that.
Born at almost 23 weeks Michael & Gianna only survived a few hours. It was beyond heartbreaking, and even traumatic what happened at the hospital that day. I still can't make sense of it. They weren't even MY babies - but as a mom, a mom of twins no less - and being so close to my sister in law ... I took it hard. That's a story for another time maybe.
I sometimes take the boys to the cemetery with me. Realizing today that yesterday was 10 months I almost drove over there this morning... but I also wonder how appropriate it is that the boys come with me. It's a family plot, they know who is buried there and they even like being in the cemetery. I try not to go too often though, just when I feel like I really need to.
I can see it all like it happened yesterday, and at the same time I can't believe it's been almost a year. I think of what could have been - the way I saw it would be - our kids all so close in age, 2 sets of twins out of 5 grand kids. And I am still struck by how differently things turned out. I'm also trying to be grateful for our little angels in heaven, I like to think that there they are healthy. Had they made it so premature it's likely they would have had a lot of issues and not a very good quality of life. I like to think they are helping to watch out for my boys here from up there, like little guardian angels for them.
Today though, i am feeling that loss like it's really new again.