Ugh, one of the toughest posts of all. I'm starting to think this 30 Days of Truth process sucks. I thought about skipping this one entirely.
I don't even know that I want to write this. Part of me screams not to.
While there once was so much to say, there is no longer anything to say.
15 years of what we called BFF'edness. We went from teenagers working a job in high school together, through our engagements and being in each others weddings, buying houses and becoming mom's at nearly the same times. And working a few more jobs together here and there too. We were separate, yet sometimes it felt like we were a package. Hours on the phone multiple times a day while trying to raise our babies when we couldn't get out of the house. I thought we'd be 90 someday sitting on a porch reminiscing about how we'd been friends forever.
The year it started to unravel, it caught me by complete surprise.
A blowout that we patched up, even if that bandaid was only hanging by a piece.
A year and several misunderstandings later, we knew we had begun growing apart but I don't think either of us realized how it would end. With a facebook deletion, some people taking sides, and a few nasty horrible emails later, it was done. Shredded, ripped apart, never to be fixed.
That's when I learned that BFF's?
Know how to cut each other deepest.
And once those things are out there, they can't.be.taken.back.
Does this Christmas make 2 years or 3 years since the end. I honestly have to say I can no longer be sure. Private jokes that no one else gets. Hundreds of photos I wish I could erase. The fact that my oldest son was torn apart over it himself, old enough to remember her and her children but not old enough to understand what happened. He cried on and off for a whole year for them. That tore me apart, keeping it fresh longer than I wanted it to be. Kind of amazes me that for everything we did do together, we have not run into each other ONCE since everything ended. Small miracles I guess.
I wish I could say after all this time that I don't care anymore, or even give it a thought. But I do. I think about it all the time. At my worst I wonder if I should pick up the phone. But for what. The things that came out, the things that happened after, they can't be taken back. And I would not have a clue how to try and repair that relationship that was so damaged, and move on and trust again. You can't. It would never be the same.
So I guess what I miss is that closeness we had, but not the person that I was close to. Because that person? In the end, I realized I really never knew them at all. And it's really sad.
I could (and did) take down the photos, throw out and give away some of the items I no longer wanted to see. It's the memories (of half of my life) that are now... I don't know, tainted in some way. Because now I see those things in a different light, and that hurt is still there. And I wish that I could let it all go, or that I never really knew them at all.