Monday, October 18, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

And here we go.

This is me, jumping on the bandwagon.

Late I might add.

It has been really interesting reading everyone's posts in their 30 Days of Truth. I have debated on whether or not I would participate and only came to the decision this morning. There is alot going on right now that I desperately want to write about but for right now, I am not able to. However, I still want to blog and am out of fresh ideas so here we go with the 30 Days of Truth. Everybody ready? Good, because I am not sure that I am.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

OK, the 1st thing that crossed my mind is my attention deficit... I am always starting a million things while moving on to several more without finishing the others. Or, I could also list that I hate that I have a hard time keeping the house clean - and staying on top of the laundry (also known as the bane of my existence).

If I really take a hard look at myself though, especially with what happens to be going on right now, I will have to say that what I hate most about myself is... my mouth. No, not my mouth physically. What comes out of it sometimes shall we say.

There are a few ways I handle things. When something is really upsetting to me (depending on who it is and what the situation is) I usually handle something one of 3 ways:

A)say nothing to that person - ever - take it and take it (and complain about it on the side) but never address it with that person because I feel like I just can't.

Because... there's B.

B)after it's all built up and explodes, horrible things are said... and then?
There is nothing. You're dead to me. I can not even SEE you. (I'd like to say I stop even thinking about you, but that's not the case.) You just cease to exist. Immature I know. It's been a long process but it's also something I am full on aware of and working on.

Or there's C.

C)digging myself in deeper and being too involved and then it backfires - on me - because of what I have said. (Which by the way would be what is happening right now.) With this person who I dearly love, I could not shut my mouth and say nothing, I could not be done and pretend they are dead to me... no, I had to try and say my peace and fix things but it only made everything worse.

Sometimes I think - no I KNOW - I am Helping someone. It starts as being there to listen, giving a little advice... but then before I realize it I sometimes take it too far. All it would take is for that person to tell me I'm going too far.

And I would tone it down.

I would.

It comes from a place of love as crazy as it sounds, of wanting what's right for someone. But now I see that what I might feel like is 'right' may not be right for that person. So I stick my foot in it and then it's too late.

I can't stand this about myself, I hate this about myself. Because when things get this deep, I don't know how to get myself out. And I don't want the relationship wrecked. And I just wish there was this little contraption where I could press a button and turn back the time so I could go back and do things differently. Like when I was younger, there was this show on Nickelodeon I think - and Dave Coulier was on it before Full House I think. He would pull this lever and make everything 'fast forward'. Well, I'd like one that works the opposite. One that can rewind so I can do it again.

Because after all these years, I still haven't learned. And I hate that about myself.

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