Monday, February 3, 2014

Putting myself back together

I have been staring at this blank screen entirely too long.

The words don't come.

Not the way that sounds right.

Instead it's all a jumbled mess, like it has been for over the last year and a half. Closer to two years now. I thought I hit my final breaking point after I picked up that call a few weeks ago. That point where you tell yourself it's over - it's done - this is all there is.

Can't be broken anymore. Empty.

Only I was wrong. The moment (unexpectedly) came today.

Standing there I felt ... like I should have been feeling something ... but I wasn't anymore. I want to say this is wrecking me, but I'm at this point where I almost feel nothing. It can play on a repeat in my head, but I feel such distance from it at the same time.

I am not any of the things you say I am. I will never speak words like that to someone I love. And it's beyond sad it's come to this. You won't even see this but it makes no difference. I say these things for me.

And this is all I've got right now.

Moving on to find a better me ... for my babies ... for my husband ... and for my own sanity.