Monday, February 3, 2014

Putting myself back together

I have been staring at this blank screen entirely too long.

The words don't come.

Not the way that sounds right.

Instead it's all a jumbled mess, like it has been for over the last year and a half. Closer to two years now. I thought I hit my final breaking point after I picked up that call a few weeks ago. That point where you tell yourself it's over - it's done - this is all there is.

Can't be broken anymore. Empty.

Only I was wrong. The moment (unexpectedly) came today.

Standing there I felt ... like I should have been feeling something ... but I wasn't anymore. I want to say this is wrecking me, but I'm at this point where I almost feel nothing. It can play on a repeat in my head, but I feel such distance from it at the same time.

I am not any of the things you say I am. I will never speak words like that to someone I love. And it's beyond sad it's come to this. You won't even see this but it makes no difference. I say these things for me.

And this is all I've got right now.




Moving on to find a better me ... for my babies ... for my husband ... and for my own sanity.

4 comments:

  1. Oh honey. I know that feel. I finally had to apply a derby thing to my own life. Go and find YOUR (derby) happy. Hugs to you!!

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  2. Oh honey. I know that feel. I finally had to apply a derby thing to my own life. Go and find YOUR (derby) happy. Hugs to you!!

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  3. I think I know what you are talking about and I'm so sorry sweetie. Do what you need to do for your happiness and sanity. It is not easy dealing with that kind of drama. It can such you dry. Hugs!

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