Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Men, you may want to avert your eyes.  I'm about to get... personal here. 

Va jay-jay personal.

Oh yeah, I said it. 

And I am dubbing it "o.b.gate".

Scene, Target.  Christmas Eve.

Yeah, that's right.  I got my period Christmas Eve.  Merry Christmas!  Every.freaking.year. since I was 15. 

I'm in the feminine product aisle and my jaw drops.  Tampons of every kind, except o.b.'s.  My husband makes eye contact with me and moseys on into a line at the registers.  Surely I was hallucinating.  I look again, and again, only to find empty spaces where the o.b.'s should be.  My mind flashes back a month or two to CVS.  I kept thinking they were running awfully low when everything else seemed to be stocked just fine.  WHY was that.

We get in the car and I am googling phrases such as 'where are my o.b. tampons' only to be met with some other people questioning why they can't find any. 


No one seemed to have a response other than the Ultra's have been *cry* discontinued.  As for the other  ones, no one knew.  I went to Kmart, Walgreens, CVS.  All empty shelves.  I stood in CVS close to tears as my husband says 'Can't you just get another brand honey?'

ANOTHER BRAND?!  I looked at him and barely got the words out.  'Another brand?'  He laughed a little and made a reference to how it's like Elaine on Seinfeld and the Today's Sponge episode.  'You don't Understand!', I managed to get out through clenched teeth.  And that was all he needed to hear.

I have always been that girl no one wanted to borrow a tampon from.  You know what happens.  You get caught unexpectedly getting your period.  Either you are irregular, or you just weren't paying attention to the calendar.  'Anyone got a tampon?'  I would grab on o.b. from my pocketbook only to see my friends shudder.  'You use THAT?  I can't use that.'  But for some reason, it is the only kind I have ever been able to use.  Applicators?  I can not do them.  I can't.


I must have stood alone in that aisle in CVS for like 15 minutes looking over the other brands and holding back tears.  What the hell do I choose?  It's not like a maxi pad where they are all pretty much the same.  ALL of the others have applicators.  Finally I just grab a U by Kotex.  I go home, pull it apart, throw out the applicator, and try that one.  While it will do, I am NOT HAPPY about this.

After scouring my house and pocketbooks, I find I am down to this.

THREE of the last Ultra's I will ever see.  And one Super I just found in a drawer... for a grand total of 4 o.b. tampons.  *sigh*
Have you been on Ebay lately?  Some asshole is trying to sell ONE BOX of ultra's for a starting bid of $50!  What in the holy Hell is wrong with people!  Seriously!
Christmas Eve when I checked the o.b. website there was no mention of the 'shortage' shall we call it.  A few days later, they posted the following:
"To our valued customers: o.b.® tampons experienced a temporary supply interruption that has resulted in some stores being out of stock. We are working hard to bring supply back in line with demand and expect these stores to be restocked soon. We apologize to those who may have been inconvenienced."
Inconvenienced?  That's what they are calling this?  Guess they haven't met me when I have my freaking period and the only brand I have ever been able to use has vanished!  And what the hell is a 'temporary supply interruption'.  I highly doubt all their machines broke down at once.  Some stores being out of stock?  Try every single store there is!  What's the story.  Or maybe I should ask what's being covered up?
I had to run to Walmart earlier this week.  I hate Walmart (for oh so many reasons) ... but I decided while I was there I might as well check the feminine product aisle.  Empty, empty and empty.  I looked to my left to find a clerk actually stocking the shelves and I asked if she had any o.b.'s and if she knew what was going on.  She smiled and said she wished she could help me, that she had no idea what was going on.  She explained that for a few months now she has been ordering and ordering and you can put in the orders but NOTHING COMES, and there is no word on why.  I sighed and said I've heard that alot lately and thanked her for her time.
Today?  I got my period Again.  Messed up on my pills and while that may be a side effect when you do that, that has never happened to me before.  Fitting it would happen now, when there are no o.b.'s to be found.  And you know I am not using my last 4 on a period that shouldn't even Be a period.
What the hell o.b.  I have been a loyal customer for (ugh, don't make me do the math) ... 18 years now.  How could you do this to me? 
Cut to the South Park episode with Starvin Marvin.  Cartman falls to the ground.
Heh, my god has forsaken me.
(Which would be waaaaay funnier right now if I could just find the clip I want, but You Tube hates me.)


Wait!  I've got it!  We need someone to sing about this.  Think... Paula Cole.  'Where have all the cowboys gone'... only instead she can sing 'Where have all the o.b.'s go - o - onnnnne'...

You're right.  We need someone more famous.  Someone get on that.  Stat.