The last few days have been hard. Waking up to the news on Thursday that my grandfather had passed the night before was hard to take, even if I did go to bed expecting it. One by one as the boys got up I broke the news to them. I sent the Big Guy to school, I volunteered in Kindergarten that afternoon. I was trying to stick with the usual routine for the boys. My uncle and cousin stopped over with my parents after they flew in on Friday and it was so nice to see them - even though it was for an awful reason. That night I worked on gathering photos I had for the wake the next day and wished I had more time.
It was Saturday morning that I started feeling that anxiety ... over so many things. Knowing I was seeing my grandfather for the last time. Wondering if I was making the right decision by taking the boys. I was getting flashbacks of my completely falling apart at age 9 when my aunt Patti died and I was just questioning everything.
Along with my brother, we were actually the first to get to the funeral home. The boys carried in the collages I made and handed them over to someone inside and they suddenly seemed so grown up to me - even if they are only 5 and 7. We walked right to the back of the room and sat down at the wall. I had kept it together just fine till the moment the Big Guy took my hand to go see my grandfather. I showed him how to kneel down and he whispered to him that he loved him. We joined the twins and Al in the back of the room again.
After the deacon spoke, my Uncle Paul got up to say a few things and it was right there that I fell apart. I remember thinking I didn't want the boys to get nervous seeing me cry and yet the moment I started to cry they were all on top of me telling me it was OK and patting my arm and hand. Melted my heart. At the end we could all go up and take a flower that represented each one of us - kids, grandkids, great grandkids. I was surprised to find the twins pulling me by the hand to go up. Their bravery was amazing. The boys all knelt down and said goodbye while I got the flowers and we went outside to wait for everyone else to come out. I could not believe how well they all did. I'm still amazed and proud.
We had a nice afternoon at Chianti's (my grandfather's favorite restaurant), but by the time we got home I was drained. I felt a migraine coming on and I just laid down on my bed. The Doodle Bop hopped in to cuddle with me and I asked him if he was OK. He said Mommy I love you more than a heart. I love you as big as a giant volcano with red hot lava. It just might be the sweetest thing I have ever heard. I told him I loved him too.
Yesterday morning we were up for Hockey practice and kept busy with a birthday party then a late lunch at my parents house to say goodbye to my uncle and my cousin. I was so happy to see my grandmother there. I want to be able to fix everything for her but I know that it isn't possible.
This morning it was back to work and school. Al took the Big Guy in while I took the twins to the dentist. Even that was strange. My grandparents (and parents) go there too and my father had been there in the office on Wednesday when my grandmother called to say he needed to get to the hospital right away. Our dentist was very sweet and told me how much he really liked my grandfather and how sad he is about his passing.
It felt so strange. Going about life as usual again. Some things are the same, but some will never again be.