In pieces

Hitting that rut again. I stop by here every day, look around, open up a new post to start writing ... but nothing comes. It drives me crazy. I know I have so much to say ... but still nothing comes.

The week leading up to Thanksgiving it started hitting me. My Grandfather is gone and holidays will never again be the same. Much like the transition we made when I was a teenager and my Great Grandmother passed. And the transition we made again when Al's Grandmother passed. Families start to go their own way for so many reasons.

This change though? Really happened an entire year ago. After his heart attack in the fall, everything changed then. But it didn't seem permanent at the time. We weren't celebrating holidays together, he was spending months in the hospital, but it was not forever. It was just until he got better.

He passed away in January.

Instead of doing things together as a big family, we all do our own thing in pieces. And it isn't the same. Part of me would just like to take the kids away somewhere, make a new holiday tradition and not even be here. That isn't happening this year though.

My Grandmother in Florida had a heart attack just after Thanksgiving. The boys have been drawing her pictures to put in the mail and I wish we were closer so we could visit.

I wish I were more excited for Christmas, but right now I'm just not feeling it anymore. We didn't put the lights up outside the house this year ... I didn't even think we'd still be in this house for this Christmas ... and because of the giant dog in the house only the top half of the tree can be decorated. It's almost funny in a way.

We told the boys that next year the dog will be old enough where we should be able to decorate the entire tree ... and not have to leave all the decorations they love to play with on the top few shelves of the book case that are too high for them. Each time I move them to a lower shelf I find them right back in the dog's mouth. When he gets determined enough, he can reach higher than the kids.

Right now I just do not have the time - or the energy - to fight him for each piece. When the boys were toddlers we put the Superyard (gate) around the tree. Can't do that to keep the dog away.

I have to put my game face back on for the boys. The Yay it's Christmas! one. They are excited about so many things. When I dropped the boys at school this morning, the Bunny Bee told everyone in line that there were just 14 days left till Christmas! I hadn't even realized it.

And before those 14 days are up, we have a few more wrestling tournaments, a photo shoot, parties, the Big Guy's 8th birthday (someone hold me because this is not happening) and the movie comes out. It's also hitting me today that none of this movie business even happened until after my Grandfather passed. How is that possible? The auditions, the back and forth to Boston, filming ... and now the final product. He's been gone for all of it. Realizing that sort of takes my breath away.

So this is where I am today. Knowing that there is always so much to be thankful for ... but still having a hard time anyway. Damn writing is cathartic. A piece of me has known all of this the entire time, but until I sat here to put it all down I don't think I fully realized part of what has been bothering me.

Maybe I'll be back with a Wordless Wednesday photo later today, or a Throwback Thursday tomorrow. It might be slow going the next few days around here (but certainly not for a lack of things to do). I will get back to blogging like I always do.

Saying goodbye

The last few days have been hard. Waking up to the news on Thursday that my grandfather had passed the night before was hard to take, even if I did go to bed expecting it. One by one as the boys got up I broke the news to them. I sent the Big Guy to school, I volunteered in Kindergarten that afternoon. I was trying to stick with the usual routine for the boys. My uncle and cousin stopped over with my parents after they flew in on Friday and it was so nice to see them - even though it was for an awful reason. That night I worked on gathering photos I had for the wake the next day and wished I had more time.

It was Saturday morning that I started feeling that anxiety ... over so many things. Knowing I was seeing my grandfather for the last time. Wondering if I was making the right decision by taking the boys. I was getting flashbacks of my completely falling apart at age 9 when my aunt Patti died and I was just questioning everything.

Along with my brother, we were actually the first to get to the funeral home. The boys carried in the collages I made and handed them over to someone inside and they suddenly seemed so grown up to me - even if they are only 5 and 7. We walked right to the back of the room and sat down at the wall. I had kept it together just fine till the moment the Big Guy took my hand to go see my grandfather. I showed him how to kneel down and he whispered to him that he loved him. We joined the twins and Al in the back of the room again.

After the deacon spoke, my Uncle Paul got up to say a few things and it was right there that I fell apart. I remember thinking I didn't want the boys to get nervous seeing me cry and yet the moment I started to cry they were all on top of me telling me it was OK and patting my arm and hand. Melted my heart. At the end we could all go up and take a flower that represented each one of us - kids, grandkids, great grandkids. I was surprised to find the twins pulling me by the hand to go up. Their bravery was amazing. The boys all knelt down and said goodbye while I got the flowers and we went outside to wait for everyone else to come out. I could not believe how well they all did. I'm still amazed and proud.

We had a nice afternoon at Chianti's (my grandfather's favorite restaurant), but by the time we got home I was drained. I felt a migraine coming on and I just laid down on my bed. The Doodle Bop hopped in to cuddle with me and I asked him if he was OK. He said Mommy I love you more than a heart. I love you as big as a giant volcano with red hot lava. It just might be the sweetest thing I have ever heard. I told him I loved him too.

Yesterday morning we were up for Hockey practice and kept busy with a birthday party then a late lunch at my parents house to say goodbye to my uncle and my cousin. I was so happy to see my grandmother there. I want to be able to fix everything for her but I know that it isn't possible.

This morning it was back to work and school. Al took the Big Guy in while I took the twins to the dentist. Even that was strange. My grandparents (and parents) go there too and my father had been there in the office on Wednesday when my grandmother called to say he needed to get to the hospital right away. Our dentist was very sweet and told me how much he really liked my grandfather and how sad he is about his passing.

It felt so strange. Going about life as usual again. Some things are the same, but some will never again be.

Struggling to still be Thankful

Finding it hard to find the good on this Thankful Thursday like I promised. On the way home from the wake last night for my friend's father, my own father called me. My grandfather was not doing well. Having just picked up the boys from my sister in law, they heard everything I said. And listened to me cry.

There was no getting around it. At home I sat the boys down and we had a talk about how Opa would soon be going to Heaven. The twins were really sad, but it was the Big Guy who fell apart. He was begging me to do something to help him stay here longer. It broke my heart that he cried himself to sleep. I barely slept last night. I kept waiting for him to wake back up and need me.

My dad called me first thing this morning to let me know that my grandfather had passed last night. I broke it to the boys as they got up one by one. My cousin called me and we had a long talk. Then it was back to getting the boys out the door to take the Big Guy to school. I almost didn't send him ... given how upset he had been the night before ... but I hoped it would take his mind off things being with his friends. I was thrilled to hear from his teacher that it did.

Today happened to be my day to volunteer in Kindergarten. I was putting packets together for the teacher as I hear the Doodle Bop loudly tell some friends that his Opa died.  In the moment it took me to turn around the Bunny Bee had chimed in and it felt like the entire class was listening. I was mouthing I'm sorry! to their teacher and trying to tell the boys we could talk about it at home. Their teacher was wonderful. She let them talk about it a little and handed me a children's book she happened to have in class to take home for the boys to read. I was so grateful. We have Dog Heaven at home (which is a big favorite), but nothing about someone passing away - and this being a book about a grandparent was just what they needed.

Just as I was starting to feel relaxed, I heard the Doodle Bop tell another friend that they were making his Opa ashes and putting him into little boxes called urns. Not exactly what I'd said. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. I distracted him with something and that was that.

After school we came home and read the book together. The boys had me pull up some photos. This one is their favorite. The thing about this photo right here... I don't know how to feel about it. It is the last photo I have of the boys and my grandparents together.

Labor Day weekend. My grandfather seemed totally fine and yet before they left the house I had this nagging feeling I still can not explain. I actually had the thought that I needed a photo because I would never get another one. Which shocked me even then. Of course there will be more photos I told myself. I took the photo, hugged my grandparents and wondered why I even had that thought.

A week or two later my phone rang while I was at the Big Guy's soccer practice. My grandfather had a major heart attack. And you know the rest. He fought for months ... until last night when it was all just too much. The boys did not get to see him again and this is the last photo of them. I still can't completely wrap my head around that one.

This may not be the Thankful Thursday post I had in mind, but there are things I am thankful for today. I am thankful that I had my grandfather for 35 years. Even if he hated that I loved Kurt Cobain back when I was 16 (and totally let me have it in no uncertain terms). I am thankful that he supported me, told me he was proud of my writing and got to know my kids. I am thankful that my boys got to have a Great Grandfather that they loved and are old enough to remember always. And lastly I am thankful that he is now at peace ... even if it isn't how I wanted things to turn out.

It is going to be so hard to say goodbye.