Wednesday, December 11, 2013

In pieces

Hitting that rut again. I stop by here every day, look around, open up a new post to start writing ... but nothing comes. It drives me crazy. I know I have so much to say ... but still nothing comes.

The week leading up to Thanksgiving it started hitting me. My Grandfather is gone and holidays will never again be the same. Much like the transition we made when I was a teenager and my Great Grandmother passed. And the transition we made again when Al's Grandmother passed. Families start to go their own way for so many reasons.

This change though? Really happened an entire year ago. After his heart attack in the fall, everything changed then. But it didn't seem permanent at the time. We weren't celebrating holidays together, he was spending months in the hospital, but it was not forever. It was just until he got better.

He passed away in January.

Instead of doing things together as a big family, we all do our own thing in pieces. And it isn't the same. Part of me would just like to take the kids away somewhere, make a new holiday tradition and not even be here. That isn't happening this year though.

My Grandmother in Florida had a heart attack just after Thanksgiving. The boys have been drawing her pictures to put in the mail and I wish we were closer so we could visit.

I wish I were more excited for Christmas, but right now I'm just not feeling it anymore. We didn't put the lights up outside the house this year ... I didn't even think we'd still be in this house for this Christmas ... and because of the giant dog in the house only the top half of the tree can be decorated. It's almost funny in a way.

We told the boys that next year the dog will be old enough where we should be able to decorate the entire tree ... and not have to leave all the decorations they love to play with on the top few shelves of the book case that are too high for them. Each time I move them to a lower shelf I find them right back in the dog's mouth. When he gets determined enough, he can reach higher than the kids.

Right now I just do not have the time - or the energy - to fight him for each piece. When the boys were toddlers we put the Superyard (gate) around the tree. Can't do that to keep the dog away.

I have to put my game face back on for the boys. The Yay it's Christmas! one. They are excited about so many things. When I dropped the boys at school this morning, the Bunny Bee told everyone in line that there were just 14 days left till Christmas! I hadn't even realized it.

And before those 14 days are up, we have a few more wrestling tournaments, a photo shoot, parties, the Big Guy's 8th birthday (someone hold me because this is not happening) and the movie comes out. It's also hitting me today that none of this movie business even happened until after my Grandfather passed. How is that possible? The auditions, the back and forth to Boston, filming ... and now the final product. He's been gone for all of it. Realizing that sort of takes my breath away.

So this is where I am today. Knowing that there is always so much to be thankful for ... but still having a hard time anyway. Damn writing is cathartic. A piece of me has known all of this the entire time, but until I sat here to put it all down I don't think I fully realized part of what has been bothering me.

Maybe I'll be back with a Wordless Wednesday photo later today, or a Throwback Thursday tomorrow. It might be slow going the next few days around here (but certainly not for a lack of things to do). I will get back to blogging like I always do.