Angel wings

The house phone rang just after 10pm last night, as I was just putting my cell on silent for the night. Since only telemarketers call the house phone for the most part, I knew just what it was. My stomach sank. Al called my name and I told him I didn't want to take it. He nodded but handed me the phone anyway.

My Grama had passed. 

It was only then that I looked at the date and realized that it was one year to the day that my Grandfather had passed last year. I hadn't even realized what day it was. It was too late to call my other Grama so I emailed her that I was missing him and thinking of her.

I texted one of my girlfriends a few times, IM'd my brother a bit, and then I told myself I was going to sleep ... but I could not sleep. I wished that one of the boys would get up and need me so I could try and take my mind off things. I tried to tell myself that my Grama was happy now. At peace. Finally reunited with my Grampa after almost 8 years. Finally reunited with their son Alan who passed as a toddler and I know she never ever stopped missing. I tried to imagine them all together, with my Great Grama and others greeting them.

The truth is, I don't know if that's how things work. I mean I hope it does ... but I have no idea.

It doesn't feel real.  I didn't get to be there. I didn't get to say goodbye.

In the middle of the night the Bunny Bee came running in after hearing a noise. I needed that. I pulled him close as he fell asleep holding my hand.

We told the boys this morning. All three of them climbed in bed next to me and we just watched TV for awhile like that. The Big Guy said he couldn't go to school. I actually thought about keeping them all home, just staying in bed to watch movies ... but I knew that I had to send them. It would be good for them to be with their friends and in a routine today.

I came back home and tore my house to pieces trying to find the photos we had done when my Grama was last here 2 years ago. I had packed them in preparation for the move a few months back and had never scanned them in online. I prayed out loud to St. Anthony, never really believing it would actually work. Basement, my desk, the dining room, my entire bedroom ... all torn apart. Just as I was giving up, I checked one more place - that I didn't think it could possibly be.

And there they were.

My photos.

Tears all over again.

It doesn't feel real thinking about how I will never hear her voice or get to hug her again. My Grama was so strong, loving, compassionate ... amazing. I don't even have all the words to describe how wonderful she was. I'm proud to have been her granddaughter.

I will miss her more than I can ever express.

Veterans Day

Last year I couldn't find that photo I wanted of my Grampa in uniform. 

This year?  My Grama was awesome enough to mail me some.  Here is my Grampa in 1947 in Germany.  He was in the Air Force. 

Happy Veterans Day to all who have served - and still serve - our country.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Dr. Seuss. 

One of the many Dr. Seuss books in the boys collection.  As a kid I loved Dr. Seuss - my favorite was Mr. Brown Can Moo? Can You?  Memories of being a little girl and making my Grampa read it to me.  He would make the noises sound funny.  When my friends started having kids I started giving them a copy.  When my Grampa was sick I sent him the book in a package of a few other things, because I wanted him to know how much it meant to me.  Sometime around the time I had the Big Guy and before he passed he sent it back to me ... to keep reading to my kids.

Someone on Twitter the other night mentioned how they read Oh, the Places You'll Go! to their child and teared up.  I'll be honest, I wasn't sure why.  I knew the book - we have the book - and I love it.  Just didn't see how you could be teary over it (well not like I now feel about Mr. Brown Can Moo? Can You? anyway).

Tonight after the boys got out of the shower and dressed for bed I pulled it from the higher shelf (where I keep the bigger books with the most tearable pages).  I smiled when I picked it up.  It was the hardcover book I had given to Al before we went off to separate colleges.  A friend had given me the idea.  I inscribed the inside and had been so happy to give him his 1st Dr. Seuss book because he had not grown up reading them.  We were 18.

16 years, a marriage and 3 small boys later here is the book.  I had read it to the boys a few times when they were smaller but it was a little long for them.  Tonight I opened it and the boys sat around me on the couch. 

...It's opener there in the wide open air.

...Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.  Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

...You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

By the time I got to The Waiting Place?  I was starting to feel teary.  I was no longer reading just an old book.  I felt like I was telling my kids things in a way.  And for the 1st time they were old enough to sit and really listen to the book.  They loved the part about being as famous as famous can be after coming off a summer of being in the paper several times and their spot on Man vs Food Nation.

...On and on you will hike.  And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

The lump in my throat was terrible.  I worry about all the boys of course, but especially the Big Guy because of the cerebral palsy.  I am always drilling it in that there is nothing that he can not do - and not to let anyone ever tell him anything different.  I tell all the boys if you want it you can make it happen.  Something I am trying to live by myself now.

...And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)  KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!  The boys all smiled.  The Big Guy's smile broke and he looked at me and asked how could he do that when he couldn't even drive already.  I couldn't help but laugh and tell him that will come when he is older... but whatever he wants to do, he can do it. 

After be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea I added each of the boys names and they got a good laugh.  Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting.  So...get on your way!

Life lessons.  I hope to be reading this very same book to my grand kids someday.