Not ready to let her go

It has been weeks since my last blog. It feels like a confession to type that.

So much has been happening between the Big Guy turning eight, the movie coming out, Christmas, vacation and more ... but there is a reason that I have not been able to bring myself to write a single thing. Until today, I haven't even been able to log myself in here to even think about posting anything.

My Grama (in Florida) has had two strokes since Thanksgiving, with the second one coming right around the Big Guy's birthday. My mother flew out to Florida before the holidays and has been there ever since. Over the weekend, my dad came over to tell me what deep down I already knew we would be hearing. She was being moved to hospice.

Over the last month I have been though such a range of emotions. Worried, sad, mad because I felt like she was giving up on trying to get better ... and so damn guilty ... because every year I tell myself next year is the year that Al and I will take the boys to Florida for a vacation to stay with her. I thought we had all this time. My Great Grama (my Grama's mom), lived to be 96. I was a senior in high school when she passed. My Grama was a nurse. No, there would be so much more time to make it happen. And how can it be that THIS YEAR ... 2014 ... when Al and I thought we finally had a way to make Florida happen before the end of the year ... that this is happening.

There were days over the boys nearly two week winter vacation I could barely get myself out of bed. OK, I got out of bed ... but a good hour or so later than I should have with them home. I couldn't do much more than just get through the day. It was all I could think about.

Losing my Grandfather just a year ago still feels new somehow. Losing my other Grandfather - my Grama's husband - nearly eight years ago now ... I can't. He never even got to meet the twins. He held on before passing from Cancer just to meet my first baby.

I keep going back to wondering how we didn't have more time ... with any of them.

My grandparents moved to Florida when I was just 7, but we always remained very close. For years after my Grandfather passed I begged my Grama to move back here so I could help take care of her. Even though she didn't need taking care of. I just selfishly wanted her here with us. I wrote her a several page letter a few years back, pleading with her to come back and listing all the reasons why she needed to.

It took her a long time to write me back. She would often say she knew that she owed me a letter, but she wasn't ready to write it yet. Part of me held on to the hope that she would say she was ready to move back ... but deep down I knew it was because she didn't want to have to tell me no.

She has been able to come up from Florida a few times over the years and the boys have loved spending time with her. They haven't seen her in about two years now, but they feel so close to her. She is always sending them little cards and holiday themed packages. She never forgets even the littlest thing when it comes to them. I regret not taking the time to send her more things.

Before both of my Grandfathers passed away, I felt the need to tell them so many things. I called one the night before he passed away from Cancer and was able to get a few things out. I was not able to really tell the other one what I wanted before it was too late. I hope that they both knew how very much they meant to me.

Is it crazy that I can't call my Grama? Like I actually can not pick up the phone and call her. I start feeling sick even thinking about it. I can't catch my breath. I sent her a Christmas present and a few packages of pictures the boys drew her ... but I can't make that call. I don't know what to say. I also know that I have been able to say everything - in that letter - and she was able to say everything to me in mine. And that is pretty awesome because I know most people don't get to have that. I know that she knows how much I love her and I know how much she loves me. It is just breaking my heart to have to let her go because I am not ready. How can I be.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

But then I guess it never is.

It is an awful feeling knowing that you are going to be losing someone and you can't be there and you can't do anything about it. I had to tell the boys. But I couldn't really tell them. They knew she was sick, the Big Guy has been openly worrying about it. All I could do on Sunday morning was sit them down and tell them that she isn't getting any better. That we don't know what will happen but that the doctors at Hospice are doing all they can to take care of her and make her comfortable. And we overnighted some more pictures and handmade birthday cards for her.

This has been the reason for my silence. She has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders and I don't know what I will do without her. I'm not ready to let her go, even though it isn't my decision to make.

Light the Night

Last week Julie celebrated 4 years of being cancer free. 4 years.

How far she has come from last spring alone is amazing. Saturday night all of the boys (I'm including Al there) and I joined her for the LLS Light The Night Walk in Garden City. I was so honored she asked us all to walk with her. Seeing her get her Survivor t-shirt and white balloon nearly brought me to tears.

White balloons are for survivors, gold in memory of someone, and red for supporters.

While we had not been close while she was going through those first rounds of chemo, it was my cousin who kept me updated. Our friendship developed during her recovery, first through IM's during the day ... and then play dates when she was getting better. It has been such a long road of ups and downs since then, that it felt emotional to be at Light The Night With her.

Some of the pics from the night are below.

                                                                        Me and Jules.

                                                                      Her adorable girls.

                                                              The Corbo Lynch crew.

                                                               The boys on the walk.

It was a beautiful night. The boys loved getting to walk in the dark (even though the 2 miles was just about all they could handle.) Somehow I think being up past bedtime made up for it. I think I would like to make this something we do yearly.

And I am just so happy and thankful that Jules is healthy.

$10,000 strong

This weekend was so incredible I am having a hard time putting it all into words right now.

As one of the Rhody Bloggers for Good, we put on a Sit-a-thon with La-Z-Boy for one of our own - Melissa's daughter Belle. When she was diagnosed with leukemia a few days after Christmas, I think it took all of our breath away. Being able to work together to put this fundraiser on has been such a wonderful experience.

To my friends who donated items simply because I asked who could help - Rebecca and Scott for the Benny's gift card, Laura and Kevin for the Advanced Auto Parts gift card, Becky for the Haute Tag gift certificate, Carina for the Stella and Dot necklace and the Beachbody package, Marsha for the Rodan and Fields skin care package, Kristin for the Organizing in RI consultation.

To all my friends who made it into the store with their children this weekend - Laura, Alyson, Shannon, Suzanne, Sarah and Jeremy. Thank you to all of my friends that donated online through the You Caring page when they were not able to make it in.

And to my amazing family - my husband Alfredo, the Big Guy, the Bunny Bee and the Doodle Bop. Not only did they spend some time with me each day at the Sit-a-thon but the boys were incredibly well behaved and I am just beyond proud of them. It has been a long and crazy weekend and I am left feeling incredibly blessed to have such wonderful family supporting a cause that was so important to me.

Huge thank you to Melissa and Jen for pulling all of us together for this and doing most of the behind the scenes work to get things going, along with Jake from La-Z-Boy who made us feel so at home and like part of his family at the store. La-Z-Boy will get all my future business for taking the time to help us the way they have. They truly went above and beyond.

With 20 minutes to go at the Sit-a-thon today we were $800 shy of our $10,000 goal ... we put out the call and I think we all teared up to find that in that short amount of time, we hit $10,000.

Speechless over the generosity people have showed. 

Though the Sit-a-thon has now ended, we will keep the YouCaring page open a little longer in the hopes of making it to our extended goal of $15,000 for Belle. You can go here to donate.

Getting back on track

I know I have been kind of quiet lately.

That will be changing.

Four straight weeks of being sick might just be a new record for me and I have been totally wiped out. This entire time I have been trying to get extra rest where I can, while still running around everywhere with the boys. Which I'm sure brings me right back to why I've been sick for a month now. And in the middle of all that, a friend's small daughter was diagnosed with Cancer while another friend unexpectedly lost her dad.

Roller coaster of emotions lately. Part of me would like to blurt my every thought out here, but its one of those things I need to keep in. (As I silently curse no longer having that anonymous blog.)

I may not have started off the New Year with the bang I was looking for health wise or career wise... but I'm getting there. Finalizing some things first. Then watch out for me!

Over the weekend I had my first hockey mom fail. The morning we were supposed to get the boys all signed up, we overslept. Well, we did manage to get up before the rink time but it was so late we couldn't get the boys moving fast enough. And then I went back to bed to again try sleeping off this cold. Here's to tomorrow night for starting over again!

Tomorrow morning the Big Guy also has his Occupational Therapy evaluation. It feels like it has taken so long to get the ball rolling through all the red tape. I am excited to hear what they say for his sake. I am also beyond thrilled with how supportive his teacher is as the smaller things are becoming the tougher things for him. It used to be the other way around.

I hope to be back blogging again tomorrow, but it will be a busy day. Two hours with the boys for the Big Guy's PT and OT eval in the morning, school, hockey (hopefully) and attending the wake for my dear friend's dad. One thing I can be sure of... I won't be skipping this week's Thankful Thursday. Getting myself back on track.

The Heart of Christmas - Giveaway!

Tomorrow is officially December and you know what that means. 

Bring on the Christmas movies!

I love them and so do my kids! We already have the ABC Family channel Christmas movie schedule on the refrigerator so I remember to DVR the ones they most want to see (that happen to come on too late). And then there are all the ones (for me) that come on Lifetime... and more. Love my Christmas movies!

A few nights ago, after we put the boys to bed for the night, my husband and I sat down and watched The Heart of Christmas. I didn't know much about it, just that Candace Cameron Bure (remember DJ from Full House?) was in it. I just heard Christmas movie and I was in.

While this is totally a family movie, I was thrilled we waited until the boys had gone to bed. We were not too far in before I had to grab the box of tissues. The movie is both heartbreaking, yet hopeful. The story alternates between two families. One falling apart because a couple has lost sight of what is important and the wife Megan spends too much time working; and another family faced with losing their child and their quest to give him one last Christmas celebration.

This movie spoke to me, not only as a mom, but as a blogger. The mother of the family facing losing their child, Julie, blogs her son's illness. "It will change your life" a neighbor tells Megan as she hands her a card with Julie's blog on it.

And it does.

 

Julie's blog is based on a true story that gained national attention. Austin and Julie Locke are devastated to learn that their young son Dax has been diagnosed with cancer. When they decide to give Dax one last Christmas (in October), their community learns the truth of what’s going on in their home. A truly moving outpouring of care and support occurs that people really need to see to believe.

 

And trust me, you will need those tissues I mentioned.

 

To kick off December, I am giving away 5 DVD copies of The Heart of Christmas.  Enter by leaving a comment on this post, telling me the name of one of your favorite Christmas movies you watch yearly.  (I have a feeling this one will be added to your must be seen category.)

 

 

 

*Disclosure: I was not compensated for this post, opinions are all my own.  I watched a screening of this movie online.  Entries for the DVD giveaway must be in the United States only.

 

A plea for help

I'm sure you noticed how quiet things have been on my end lately.  It has not been for a lack of things going on.  There has been so very much that I have wanted to say over the last month, but I knew it was not my place.  Today I asked for permission to talk about some of it.  You see, this is not actually about me (although I feel it so deeply) ... it's about Jules.

While its happened so slow it seems so fast at the same time.  She is sick again.  And we need some help.  A few weeks ago she spent a week in the hospital for what we all hoped was just another infection... but the doctors could not really seem to get to the bottom of what it was or wasn't.  Monday she was at a new oncologist office and while nothing is definite, they suspect that the Lymphoma she once had is back again.  She needs a new PET scan and was told to expect to see some malignancies.  In the meantime she's to wait on the PET scan to be scheduled.

Terrifying. 

I mean how are you just supposed to sit around and wait after being told something like that.  I couldn't even breathe when she called me.  All I could say was what do we do, how do we fight this.  What's the plan?

Well she spent the entire week just waiting.  And no news.  This morning we met for breakfast at Scramblers and talked about the totally awesome things she will do to her hair if she has to go into treatment again.  All the colors she can dye it.  I have to say I think I will join her in the crazy colors and even rock some sparkly wigs too in support.  From the table she tried calling to check the status of her PET scan but couldn't get through. 

After breakfast we hopped into my truck and drove down the street to the oncologist office together.  To our shock she was told that her insurance company actually DENIED the PET scan request and they are now appealing it... but that will again take a few more days.  The oncologist couldn't even believe it was denied.  She's never been denied anything before now when it came to testing. 

I knew what a PET scan was, but until then I did not know that for her it meant a $40,000 test which needs to be approved by insurance OR paid prior to the test even being scheduled to begin with.  How is that even justified.

I sat with her as she called her insurance company.  Jules explained why she needed it, that her doctor had already appealed it and how could they do this to her.  She isn't even 30 yet and she has 3 small daughters at home and she is looking at a recurrence.  How can they make her wait on all this red tape.  The woman on the other end was totally unsympathetic.  I could hear her read her explanation that the doctor needs to show more proof about why they need it (clearly off a piece of paper) and that was that.  It didn't matter what Julie said, that woman was sticking to her response.

We drove back to Scramblers, got her car and met up again at Dunkin Donuts so we could be close to school and I could get the boys.  We sat at the ONLY available table in the entire place, which happened to be next to a pretty big table of some older gentleman and one older woman.  Not five minutes later this old man pulled up a chair at the end of the table, but really right next to Jules. 

How can I describe this man... all I could think of was Frankie Carbone from Goodfellas... but older.  He immediately started talking to us and it was just hysterical.  He was like the Mayor of Dunkin Donuts and he knew everyone, even the newscaster who came in.  He started talking about how he had survived cancer and pointing out all of the other people there who had as well.  As crazy as it was it just felt like we were supposed to be there right then.

Jules and I walked out of there laughing so hard.  What a weird and random morning. 

So now that I've filled you in a bit, Jules needs help.  And I'm not sure how to go about getting her this help... because while you can spend all the time you want appealing things or getting a lawyer... it still takes time.  And time is something that ... if this IS the Lymphoma back again ... she does not have.  Because the longer she waits the more it can spread. 

There has to be an avenue to speed this up, something we just don't know about.  Short of throwing a last minute fundraiser, who knows what we can do.  I have some super awesome friends out there and I know that someone has to know something about how we can get this done as soon as possible.

Jules is the first person who I have ever really 'let in' so to speak, since...this happened.  We talked a little about that last week when she was waiting for that oncologist appointment.  How the boys and I will be there to help her and the girls through whatever we can.  I'm done being mushy and worrying over the what ifs.  Its time to take action and kick cancer's butt once and for all.

So I ask my friends... what can we do for Jules to speed this all up.

Dear Cancer, enough is enough!

My heart is feeling a little heavy today.

There are so many people in need of some prayers and positive energy. 

I have to say it is something that I did not truly believe in until recently.  If someone asked for prayers, I would pray... and hope that it worked... but always kind of wondered if it really did anything.  It wasn't until a recent cancer scare Jules had a few months back that I realized I believed ... and it does work.  Everything pointed to the cancer back and she was on so many prayer lists at churches and more... and I swear to you the spots they had found on the previous tests ...just disappeared. 

When I was in elementary school my Great Uncle Danny passed away from cancer.  I took it hard.  He was so funny, sweet and kind.  I have fun memories of being at his dentist office as well as his house as a child.  While I have not stayed as close to his kids over the years, they have always held a special place in my heart.  Maria, Danny (most people call him Dante now but he will always be Danny to me) and Andrea.  Andrea would sometimes babysit me when I was small. 

She has Leukemia now.  And Danny has worked so hard to get healthy and get in shape, so today he heads to the Hope Lodge Worcester so can be her donor.  They are both in need of prayers and positive energy.  I think its amazing that Danny was a match and he is able to do this.

Last night I was online and saw that Audrey McClelland was at the ER with her husband Matt, seemed like maybe it was a stomach flu or his appendix.  I had just seen her the night before at Styleweek Providence.  This morning I got online to find that he is having emergency surgery today because they found a tumor in his colon. 

Left me speechless. 

I really look up to Audrey not only for what an incredible blogger she is - and how I'd love a career like hers - but also for the way she is able to tackle being a mom of 4 small boys.  I can so relate to the crazy boys bring.  They are also in need of prayers and positive energy.

OK my Internet friends, do your thing. 

I am asking for prayers sent to Andrea, Danny, Matt and Audrey ... and all of their children.  Even if its not something you whole heartedly believe in anyway, I am asking that you send a prayer up anyway or some positive energy out there... because today is an important day for so many. 

And I believe.

(And as usual, Fuck Cancer... lets get Andrea better and have Matt come out with a clean bill of health.)